Nothing I Can Do
by haveyouseenmyhaggis
Summary: Hushed voices, fear, questions, lies, faking, trying, crying, hurting... because McCoy died on a mission two days ago. Jim's POV.


**Title: Nothing I Can Do**

**Summary: Hushed voices, fear, questions, lies, faking, trying, crying, hurting. Because McCoy died on a mission two days ago.**

**Author's Note: I don't have much to say here. Just thank you to my friends, you know what for. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own _Star Trek 2009. _**

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If I learnt anything from this, it's that I'm a better actor than I first thought. Okay, they knew something was wrong but still. I managed to keep it up all day and maybe even believe it too. I doubted myself so often thinking, "Hey, maybe I heard wrong? Maybe that's not what they said? Maybe it was just a dream?" Maybe I'm just denying everything. Maybe I just don't want to see the truth. Maybe I just don't want to accept it. Everything I've been afraid of is now staring at me and I can't find a way around it. There's nothing I can do to make this right and it's tearing me apart.

Then the tears started and I knew I couldn't deny it any more. I'd been waiting nearly twenty-four hours just to feel something. I still don't really feel anything beyond a dazed sort of numb but the lump in my throat comes out as a strangled sob. Now the pressure behind my eyes comes leaking out in tears just like the rain. I'm still trying to pretend but I know I can't pretend forever. Well, I could, but what good would it do me?

What hurts most is the shocked silence and the hushed voices. Even though everything is suddenly so quiet, my head hurts just like somebody's shouting in my ear all the time.

When they told me I just stopped. I didn't know what to say or what to do. I just stared. It was like the walls of my reality had morphed into something new. I wouldn't say they vanished but they sure changed. Suddenly my safe little box was gone and I was vulnerable and so scared of just being scared. I don't want people to see me breaking down. Last time that happened I regretted it for… well, I still do – the look of hurt on their faces while I cried myself stupid will really haunt me forever. I really thought I was strong. I really thought I'd deal with this better instead of just going blank. I carried on as normal really, as much as I could. I felt heartless for doing that though, because why wasn't I crying? Why wasn't I just accepting that I could have the day off… take a break. But I couldn't. I just wanted to keep going and going and going and never stop and think. But thinking can't be stopped. It's there, so blatant and "wayhey, I'm here! I'm your thoughts, staring you right in the face, and what'cha gonna do about it?" To be honest, I don't know what I'm going to do. What am I meant to do? How do you deal with something like this?

And then there are all the questions. "Are you okay?" Yes. "Are you okay?" Yes. "Are you okay?" Yes. What am I meant to say? Everyone keeps saying it but really, what am I meant to do? Every time they ask I just want to burst into tears and shout "No! I'm not! I don't know what I am!" but I can't. It doesn't come out. So I nod. And I say "yes." I say I'm fine despite the fact my heart is aching in my chest making it head to breathe. I force a smile and try to keep up with the conversation but it's so difficult to listen when I feel so out of it.

I keep thinking I have to be strong. I can't let people see me cry. I don't _want _people to see me cry. They tell me I'm doing brilliantly but am I really? Is carrying on and faking I'm all right really the best thing to do? Not really. But it's not like I'm ignoring the situation. It's not like I could. It just doesn't seem real. I can't get my head around it. I try. I really try but I can't. I seriously try everything but none of it makes sense. I keep thinking of the silly little things that didn't mean much at the time but now they do. Now they mean everything. Everything.

I want to be brave and keep going but I feel myself faltering. People see right through me when I tell them I'm not hungry or something. I can feel the smile on my face but that's as far as I think it gets. I keep thinking that everyone is just gonna see right through the pretence because my eyes are somewhere else. I don't know what to do about it though. Just keep living, I guess. What else can I do?

Thing is, I really want out. I just want to go places and stay away from phone calls and arrangements and silly mundane things like editing my crew register. It all seems so trivial.

Right, now I don't know what I should do so I hide myself in my room and write this because there's nothing I can do to change the situation. Because McCoy died on a mission two days ago.


End file.
